We Are

Suðuroy_rainbow2_wikicommons_ErikChristensen

Writers.

Lovers.

Humble.

Bold.

Inspired.

Invincible.

Powerful.

Hopeful Romantics.

United in a Quest.

For Truth. Grace. Perfect Passion. Revelations.

Waiting to be heard.

Wanting to be held.

Willing to take a chance.

Hoping to be embraced.  As we are.

Find what you Love.

Seek what you Live for.

And never let go.

*

Some will laugh.

Some will scoff.

Others will flash a green eye.

But we.

We know.

A brilliant and resilient New Dawn awaits.

Those who are brave enough.

To take One Step Forward.

Closer.

Toward the Magnificent.  Glorious.  Horizon.

*

*

Special thanks to.. ambitiouspoet and melanie jean juneau for blessing me with the Always There When I Need You Award.  And ANOTHER Round of Smiles and Hugs to The Nomadic Soliloquist for a new quintet of awards.

This is a late announcement, but the joy is still overflowing :~)

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I can only think of one other person to extend this prize to.. tornadoday ..A wonderful and talented poetess.  Thank you, Dear Bobbi.  Your words truly inspire me.

*

iamlenise

The hardest race I have ever entered is trying to outrun myself.  Time and again, it proves to be an impossible path. ~iamlenise

Happy Summer!

By Yun Shouping (1633–1690) via Wikimedia Commons

Hey All..It’s time for me to take a quick hiatus..Many thanks to all of you who visit and drop me cute notes that I absolutely adore!  I will still be visiting and signing smiley faces, just not releasing anything new for a little bit..Wishing you a bright, safe, fun-filled, sweet..and romantic..opening to the Summer Season..Three cheers for writers..we make the world spin upside down and do awesome back-flips too :~)

PS..If anyone can tell me what this Chinese poem says..I will love you always!!

Blessings and best wishes ~lenise~

Seven lines of sorrow

I don’t understand why I can’t let go

I don’t understand why I continually lay this trap for myself

..To be loved..is all I have ever wanted..yet heartache and misery are what I find..

Why must I give my love to those who cannot spare me more than a fleeting moment..

..And those who love me unconditionally..I use to my own ends..

What is this great romance..that makes us weep with joy..and cry out in agony

…What is this mystery we call…love…

the pattern

MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

There is in all things a pattern that is part of our universe.  It has symmetry, elegance, and grace – those qualities you find always in that which the true artist captures.  You can find it in the turning of the seasons, in the way sand trails along a ridge, in the branch clusters of the creosote bush or the pattern of its leaves.  We try to copy these patterns in our lives and our society, seeking the rhythms, the dances, the forms that comfort.  Yet, it is possible to see peril in the finding of ultimate perfection… from Frank Herbert’s Dune

all around me

the wind whispers

promises my ears

are yet to hear

the sun reveals

glory my eyes

yearn to behold

the breeze quenches

thirst i never knew

consumed me

the morning song

swoons a sunken heart

with consoling melodies

a flicker..a tremble..a pulse..a beat..

..i..am..alive..

.

.

.

iamlenise

The Turning of the Key

Recently, a very nice fellow blogger extended to me the honor of receiving a bundle of awards..And along with those awards came a list of ten questions..very intriguing questions that seemed to be aimed right at my heart and mind..

As I read each one, I felt a sort of stirring in my soul..A kind of subtle euphoria..I had found another set of keys..

Who am I?  The ever elusive question that I continually ponder, for it seems I am never the same person for more than a single moment at a time..

Like the wind, I wander and shift with the turn of the earth, rise and fall then rise again with all the changes..upheavals and spirals..towering mountains and refreshing streams..of life..of a day..of an instant..

Yet..I seek a wholeness..a certain peace that can only come from discovering the truth behind the reason of my existence..the purpose of being here and now..inhaling memories of a forgotten romance..exhaling dreams of tender caresses and sweet kisses..

The keys to solving the mystery of..I am..are scattered, but every new and unexpected experience seems to pull me ever closer toward encountering..embracing..becoming enraptured by..what awaits beyond the opening of the door..

..Alas, since I am such a quiet, slightly awkward girl..I am always reluctant to share too much of myself..This time, however, I felt the urge to reveal another layer of *me* ..at the very least..bits of who I think I am..who I would like to be..

..If it is your wish to do so..my answers are here..

Read more

Remember the garden

REMEMBER THE GARDEN

of delights. of temptations.

of cosmic forces. of terrestrial limitations.

of infinite answers. of ceaseless questions. 

of living waters. of draining pools.

of heralds. of light-bearers.

of divinity. of agony.

of rise. of fall.

for you. for me.

the garden remembers

Uendelig_infinity_wikicommons

The moment when I realize writing makes me happier than anything else in the world..even chocolate ~lenise

Strange Waters

Strange Waters
Rainy Season in the Tropics. Frederic Edwin Church.

“‘Water.” So much meaning in a simple sound… ‘Survival is the ability to swim in strange water….we must find the currents and patterns in these strange waters…if we are to survive.’”  from Frank Herbert’s Dune

365.2

The Heart That Trembles

sadangel_googlesearch_c_to_originalartist

standing so far away

waiting for your eyes to see

but only a blank stare pierces me

please..don’t let the wall raised around my soul fail..me

please..don’t let me fall any deeper under the spell that is..you

my lips quiver

my pen drops

another love letter you’ll never read

another piece of myself i’ll never send

if only you knew how i silently call out to you

my heart trembles

steeling myself against your icy touch

awaiting a warm kiss i will never feel

fighting, for one more pulse of life

crying, for one last chance at love

~lenise~

sibylline

Autumn Angel. I.R. Outhwaite
Autumn Angel. I.R. Outhwaite

if i could awake

with new eyes

understand the way

behold the new moon

discover the key

this type of thinking

could change me

.

.

forever

.

.

.

no soy el único

.

.

lenise

To Do List

googlesearchimages_c_to_original_photograherWrite

Write

Write til my fingers cramp

Write about everything

til the words live on their own

til I can feel my heart beat again

til the possibilities don’t scare me

til the veil is lifted

twilight gone

sun beams break free

.

Write

til I find what I’m looking for

til I understand what I’m living for

.

.

.

Just Write.

til I feel the kiss of forever

til I embrace what

Iam.

What..I will be.

What..I long for.

Love..so true

.

.

.

.

will i ever find you

.

.

.

~lenise~

v2

XO

BuscemiHeartI think I’ve poured my heart out enough for one day…My spirit feels cleansed and I don’t feel like weeping anymore, so I guess these writing exercises are working out well…In all seriousness, have a great night all…Work calls in the morning, and I guess I should prepare my thoughts for a full day of number crunching…Hearts and kisses and well wishes to all of you, wherever in the world, in all of creation, you may be at this very moment….lenise….

*(^-^)*

WordPress Family Award

I will keep this short and sweet…A super cool guy on WP passed this wonderful…awesome…amazing award on to me….It’s been so long since I received one of these great prizes that I was truly shocked that he did so.  It really added the icing on the cake to make this one of my best weeks in months.

Thank you to…. http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com …who also happens to be the 6x winner of the Best Moments Award!  Seriously, his blog is great…Hope you take a minute to visit there :~)

His only rule was to pass it along to 10 others…Sadly, I stepped away from WordPress for awhile and lost contact with a lot of my peeps (hoping to cross virtual paths with some new ones), so I can only think of a few great writers, poets, and artists who have made my return a very pleasant one and who have also confirmed that WP is one of the only social networks where I get a sense of *positive* community…

…For every like and comment you have so graciously given, or for each moment spent taking the time to read my rambling thoughts…Thank you and I’m extending the WordPress FamilyAward on to you!

Andy is always my #1 ..He’s on hiatus, but his blog is fabulous..great smiles there

http://dragoneystory.wordpress.com/

Dan’s prose just make my heart melt!

http://danroberson.wordpress.com/

Bobbi’s poetry cause the spirit to leap

http://tornadoday.wordpress.com/

Wendell’s poems are filled with truth and inspiration

http://foreverpoetic.wordpress.com/

My favorite Facebook pal..we haven’t chatted in a while, but I’m gonna’ msg him soon

http://justsimplyinlove.wordpress.com/

And here are 5 6 more weblogs that I love to visit as often as possible:

http://aquacompass7.wordpress.com/

http://gtsphotos2012.wordpress.com/

http://mickyblueeyes.wordpress.com/

http://rastelly.com/

http://ourexcelsior.wordpress.com/

http://hillsofherchastity.wordpress.com/

Sorry, this was supposed to be short!  Have an awesome Sunday all!

~lenise~

Looking at the moon

Looking at the moon. Pamela. Gardiner. Wiki Commons
Looking at the moon. Pamela. Gardiner. Wiki Commons

Like a child…with eyes pinned on the silver coin hovering within the folded cape of a starless night…I keep a constant vigil …an aching feeling that what I’m searching for…something…a wink? a smile? a nod? …will manifest…A face…a name…a purpose…a reason…Me…But who am I against the backdrop of eternity? At the beginning (and the end) of the day…of the moment…of all that is and will ever be…Where do I fit in?…Was I ever meant to?

~lenise~

Writing til my fingers cramp

It’s a balmy eighty degrees beneath a mostly cloudy sky here.  Off from work today, and can’t seem to keep my thoughts still…so, I figured I would just write until I became morosely bored enough to wander out the door…

My new writing project is coming along fairly well.  Most of the first part is sorted out and finished (only in my head, of course)…But I just can’t work up enough enthusiasm to keep steam-rolling through…Feels like something is missing…

My hunger to paint a new portrait of love seems disturbingly satiated…and when a writer doesn’t have the urge to write…well, I guess that means there’s a blank spot swimming around in my soul…

Like I’m playing the waiting game with myself…who’s gonna quit first…me or me…

Tick tock, around the clock…Where’s that divine spark I’m searching for…

The Perfect Kiss

The Kiss. Francesco Hayez. Wiki Commons.
The Kiss. Francesco Hayez.

Has such an event ever existed?  Has such a myth ever rang true?  What dragons must a hero slay?  What sacrifice must a maiden make?  What river must be crossed?  What valley must be traveled?  What sweet serenade must be played? Before heart-stopping, pulse-pounding, chest-quivering love finally pours forth and breathes soul-stirring enchantment into one eternally-blissful, divinely-inspired…

kiss

so sweet, the angels weep

~lenise~

For you

Red Rose. Elegant bloom of a red rose. Dominique HESSEL This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License. http://www.freemages.co.uk/
Dominique HESSEL. Creative Commons Attribution License.

Grandma…

first friend..best friend..

a tear drops, the pain stops..

someday soon, we’ll meet again..

happy mother’s day..

Song of the Morning..Morning Song

Of all the snapshots I have, from vacations long gone, this is my favorite moment in time…Whenever I’m suffering some silent agony or held in the strong grip of an aching frustration, my mind always wanders back to this day…one of the most wonderous views I have ever experienced…with forever stretching out before me, admiring creation and all her glory…I love when the clouds do funny back flips across the contrasted skyline…I feel…alive, breathing, as if being drawn toward a cosmic threshold…So here I stand, posing, watching…waiting…for the morning song…the song of the morning…..

at_the_beach_2008_LL♥

Again

Original Artwork by H.K. Abell. Shay in the Dark.
Original Artwork by H.K. Abell. Shay in the Dark.

Here I am…again…fingers poised above the keyboard, mind wandering away by the pull of the soul-stirring musical echoes from Pandora’s box.   The magic hovering in the crisp spring air draws me from my shell and out into the sunlit sky beaming with endless possibilities.  No matter my mood, no matter where life has led me…like a gentle turn of the breeze, I return to this one place…ever so eager to spin a new tale of romance.  Though my pen has been ominously dormant for a long season, spring  evokes an undeniable urgency to create sweet, haunting dreams of what could be…if only he and I could finally intertwine…goosebumps flood over golden-brown skin at the thought.  Now, here I am…again…standing at the wandering crossroads, my mind strangely drawn toward the twilight-shadowed path this time.  A dark hero, brimming with passion and peril, seems to be struggling to be freed from his solitude and to emerge from my fingertips…It’s always darkest before dawn…A smirk tugs the curved corners of pink lips…A flash sparks from sienna-shaded eyes…A pacing mind dares to take a closer step toward the edge of forever and to peer into the mystical beyond…………

More

You are the more I have been searching for

You are the laughter hiding in my heart,

the kisses yet to touch my lips.

Embers of love so sweetly burn

Sparks of creation pour through the rivers flowing within

I ask to feel your loving touch upon my soul

Subtle change in the wind,

gentle turning of the breeze

Immortality trapped within the mortal

awaiting the sweet songs of freedom,

the embrace of forever

~Lenise~

©2013  Lenise Lee Pubn.

Sometimes I forget

I started off writing this post with a bit of sadness in my heart and a tiny..almost imperceptable..tear in one eye.  

Just like wandering off for a long walk and then noticing that I have become lost in an unfamiliar stretch of woods, I sometimes I forget..become completely oblivious…to the reasons why I dropped everything to explore this unknown path toward becoming a real author.  It’s so easy to become lost in the hype of following sales and stats, to become swayed by reviews and ravings, and to settle into helplessness and discouragement when the future suddenly dims and possibilities seem to dry up like a dying river.  Sometimes I forget to follow my own advice and to never stop imaging that dreams sometimes do come to vivid life and that love does have the power to conquer all obstacles.  I sometimes forget to dismiss my fear of failure and to control my impatience to cross that final finish line called ‘success’.  Sometimes I forget to just write! and to embrace whatever the energy flowing from my spirit and pouring through my fingertips produces.

A few nights ago, I attended my little niece’s eighth grade graduation.  Her principal topped the ceremony off with a rousing speech that had adults and children alike nodding our heads with a renewed gleam of hope and optimism in our sparkling eyes..In short, she said to find out what stirs your heart and to pursue that love every day with every ounce of energy you can summon up..She said our passion to pursue our dreams should set the world on fire and should motivate others to earnestly do the same..We should strive to achieve our goals and encourage others along the way.  It left me wondering…sincerely pondering…Is this what I have been doing over this past year of full-time writing?  Or have I been twiddling my thumbs while waiting for that mythical ‘easy’ button to drop in my lap?  Have I been pursuing my dream with bold effort or with a shy glance?  More importantly, have I been using my persuasive words to light a spark of hope and enthusiasm in the lives of those I encounter..whether on e-paper or in real life..or been selfishly waiting for my own praise and recognition?

Every now and again..somewhere between budgeting and blogging…drafting, editing and pushing off nightmares that I’ve wasted my life by putting off the opportunity to become the doctor my mom always told everyone I would someday be..I forget that this is my life, and I only get one, so I need to live it to the fullest and stop shunning the wonderful gift, and the rare opportunity to share this talent, that I’ve been blessed with.  Even as I finish-up typing and re-reading this post, I can feel a twinge of optimism for a brighter tomorrow returning.

It is my belief that we all want to know..without any doubts or confusion..what our purpose is..What tugs us from bed, pushes us toward the door, and urges us to trudge through yet another day of sometimes very steep hills and extremely deep valleys, other than merely trying to exist for another twenty-four hours?  Some people are born to make others laugh, some to inspire, others to heal, many to be great parents and role models…I think my place in this world is to add a few splashes of colorful romance to a sometimes mundane workday..to evoke daydreams of forever on a quiet afternoon..to share hints of my inner world..resilient hope, everlasting love..the slightest glimmer of faith that perhaps true happiness is awaiting us to break free and to reach out and capture that perfect moment of bliss..to touch the golden horizon.  Every once in a while I get a reminder that I’ve helped a random heart to feel such vibrant emotions.  In those fleeting minutes, I begin to remember what it means to be alive and worthy of the space I occupy on this beautiful earth…Hugs and smiley faces to all..LL♥

Cheers! My first Blogger Nomination!

I am so late with announcing this! Mostly because I was in shock and awe for quite awhile..basking in the warming glow that captured my mind when a fellow blogger included me on his fabulous list of nominees.

Thanks so much to C.C. Charron for making me feel extra special!  If you haven’t already done so, please hop over to his versatile e-gallery Off The Wall

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Here are the requirements for this award:

1. Display the award logo somewhere on the blog.

2. Link back to the blog of the person who nominated you.

3. State seven things about yourself.

4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for the award and provide links to their blogs.

5. Notify those bloggers that they have been nominated and of the award’s requirements.

7 Random Facts about me:

1. Favorite actor / actress – Nicholas Cage and Sandra Bullock  (I’ve seen almost all of their individual movies…yes, even ‘All About Steve’ and ‘Valley Girl’ 🙂 )

2. My new hobby is Etymology ..language and words unite us as a society, why not learn how it all started?

3. I think chocolate should be its own food group

4. I love any dish crafted together in any combination of warm bread, red sauce, and cheese

5. I love nature..from a close distance..as in, lovely photos or short walks with socks pulled up to my knees, and running frantically from villainous-looking bugs and squiggly things

6. Christmas Eve is still the most exciting day of the year for me 😀 ..I love giving presents..and coupons!!

7. I love my family very much..None of us live more than fifteen minutes apart

Enough about me..Here is the best part..I can share the love with others much more deserving of the recognition for their inspiring and unique writing and/or imagery (my top two are well-loved for their contagious smiley faces and kind comments):

The 15 Nominees are…

1.  My story to you.. ♥

2.  Aina’s Blog ♥

3.  Avowel ♥

4.  L&L Photography ♥

5. rastelly ♥

6. PRESIDENTS OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM

7. kenyanideology

8. Source of Inspiration

9. Kira Moore’s Closet

10. FOREVER POETIC

11. ♡ The Tale Of My Heart ♡

12.  AmazinglyBrash

13. LadyRomp

14. STORYTELLER

15. Ratzone’s Blog

Please visit their blogs for a smile, a laugh, to share an intriguing thought, or to be in the presence of creativity at its peak.

Have an awesome night all! ..LL♥ Read more

Take a walk with me :)

The sky finally cleared up today..thank goodness!..and the weather was a perfect 72, with a powder blue sky and cotton white clouds hovering in the heavens..I was so happy for this beautiful day, I wanted to capture it for a while longer..I am by no means a great photographer, but these snapshots actually came out a lot better than I thought they would..I hope to experience the divine serenity of nature more often..and I also hope you enjoyed our quick walk together..Wishing you a fabulously wonderful weekend..LL♥

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Just Breathe

…I went for a walk in the rain yesterday and experienced the second most-refreshing moment of the day (of the past month actually)…

I try to escape the keyboard at least once a week (twice on the weekend for good behavior 🙂 ) but my mind was restless for a break from staring at the screen.  As I looked out the window, a beautiful sunrise had transitioned over to heavy cloud cover during the latter part of the morning.  The sky was still relatively serene, so I decided to take a chance on trying to out-race the approaching April shower to the nearby park.  Walking along in quiet seclusion down the riverbank, I ended up at the sandy cutout where fisherman, kayakers, and rowers launch their boats.  I watched the river stroll by like a sheet of shimmering silver, it’s pulsing waves rolling up and over the small sand dunes a few feet away.  It was at that moment when I did something I almost never do…I stopped thinking.  I let go of worries, anxieties, frustrations, even hopes and dreams and just existed in that very second.  Slight breeze rolling over my skin, filtered sunlight flowing from above, a family of Canadian geese being carried along with the gentle current, raindrops beginning to sprinkle across the watery surface and pelt the soft sandy shore in front of me.  Standing there in awe and silence, I realized some amazing discoveries…I could breathe…I could see…I could hear…I could feel…I had two legs to stand on and two arms to stretch toward the heavens with.  How had I forgotten about all of these wonderful blessings?  Better question, why would I allow myself to forget to be thankful for every chance I can use them to truly experience the fullness of life?  Even though there was no one else standing nearby, I had a sudden feeling I wasn’t watching the glimmering water alone.  I’m never truly alone, never as heart-broken as I sometimes feel, never as discouraged as I like to believe.  Why?  Because every once in awhile…exactly when I am in greatest need…I get a glimpse at my true inspiration…I stop trying to fall in love with people, things, or places, and I start to pursue my perfect romance once again…

A finger drops from the clouds and I connect with forever…Just breathe, wrap yourself in this moment, cherish what you have, share a smile with a distant stranger…Live, laugh, love

The day had turned cloudy, but sunrise was still dawning in my heart…I didn’t even mind that my freshly pressed hair was working overtime to curl up again 😛 ..LL♥

Sunrise in my heart

I was up before sunrise this morning…I even out-raced the birds for a chance at witnessing the birth of dawn over the eastern horizon, lol.  I could easily assume it was my nagging allergies that pulled me from a tangle of dreams, but I choose to believe it was more than a simple twitch from sneaky pollen that opened my eyes and kick-started a buoyant optimism deep within me…I haven’t felt joy this intense touch my heart in many waking days.  I have no way of foretelling what will transpire five minutes from now, much less the entire day, yet I feel so happy and hopeful at this moment.  I even found a great theme song to listen to…Fist pumping and air drums at 5 AM are an awesome way to start the day…at least in  my humble opinion 🙂  This is a peace so beautiful and genuine that I wanted to share it with as many others as possible.  Stranger or friend, I wish the same renewal of mind and spirit for you today as well..Smiles, hugs, kisses, laughs, and lots of love to all during this new day on planet Earth..LL♥

Oh, sugar…Here comes the tidal wave

Romance icon
Romance icon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As a personal preference, I try not to drop too many four or five letter words, but in cases likes these, it just cannot be helped.  (Substitute sugar for a word a lot less sweet and you’ll pick up the term I’m trying to disguise 🙂 ) This afternoon I went for my usual visit to a nearby park.  It’s my chance to reset my brain within the comforts of sub/urban nature.  As I was floating off into some random scene in my mind, I suddenly realized that the tidal wave was coming in fast, and this was only the first of many more to follow. My pulse was pounding and my heart was about to leap from beneath my shirt and jacket.   Every sentence that I had been frantically scribbling into my little notebook was filled with anguish and tears.  A quick flashback of my last few posts revealed the same — borderlining on that sullen mood that’s so popular in YA fantasy/fiction lately.   It seems as though I should be use to this climactic transition from ‘normal’ person to brooding author by now, but I’m never quite ready for the dramatic shift within myself.

I’ve been gearing up to draft a new short story, which will be planted right in the middle of an ongoing story arc filled with a lot of emotional baggage, so my sanity is about to be tested once more.  Remember that scene from Romancing The Stone…where the lady writer is crying her eyes out while she’s typing the conclusion of her latest romance novel? Well, except for an obvious difference in hair and skin tone, that’s pretty much how I look when my guys and gals are going through the aching upheavals of love gone wrong. Whenever my characters have to suffer, it means that I will have to suffer with them.  Likewise, when they have a chance to savor that first spicy kiss, so do I…all over again.   While I work my way through various facial expressions, in an effort to silently act out all the wavering pools of emotion running through my body, my sweetie has a great time walking by and flinging an amused grin at me.

The tidal wave is coming, but I know the end result will be worth the harrowing swim.  I’ve come to accept that the physical and mental exhaustion I go through are a sign of dedication to my craft.  If I don’t revisit the darker side of my psyche…If I can’t drudge out buried hopes and fears again…If I never stir up the simmering energy and passion waiting on the edge of my reality, my tale won’t blossom into colorful life, my creation won’t be filled with sincere wordplay, and my characters won’t discover the strength to fight for the love they have always dreamed of crossing paths with…From my gloom and giggles, a fresh infusion of romance flows forward and one more molten kiss leaps from the pages into a longing heart…LL♥

On the mornings that I want to give up…

This morning happened to be one of those days.

Each time I start a new blog or begin typing a new post, I can never decide if I want to use this space as a confessional diary or free advertisement for my books.  Do I want to share every intimate thought or remain a faceless set of words on the screen?

I’m not a professional blogger nor can I ever claim to have any success whatsoever in that category.  Unlike the ladies and gents who have tons of followers, I’m only witty with people I have known at least a decade or more, and only philosophical with the same number of friends that I can count on one hand.

I’m not a great romance writer, and my critics can easily tell you that.  I’m constantly battling with myself between wanting to compose sweet romantic literature or erotic chick lit…I can’t seem to find a comfortable spot in either one of those categories.  In person, I’m über studious and practical – actually just stepped in the door from a trip to the library – and also very sly with flashing brown eyes that have gotten me into interesting trysts more than once…As much as I want my tales to have some enduring moral meaning, my wild streak always shows up to wipe away my characters’ wholesome nature.

So, all in all, I don’t have a happy home in the literary world.

Those were most of my thoughts as I opened my eyes this morning and blinked away the odd dream I was walking through. Dear girl, what in the world are you doing with yourself?  Give up and go back to that corporate nest you loathed so much…at least the pay was steady and they had a matching IRA.  On second thought, start a gossip column…write about what those ladies with that long dark hair are doing today…They’re always trending, so there’s tons of cash to be made.  You’re fooling yourself…No one wants to fall in love anymore, they just want to keep up with the you-know-who’s.

I rolled over and tossed the blankets over my head…not defeated, but not motivated either.  No second round of sleep in sight, because the birds wouldn’t stop singing and the neighbor’s dogs – as in, wow, how many dogs do you have now? – were hysterical for attention – again!  Get up and get that agenda together…Write a new short story about that cute scene I was thinking of yesterday? – Nope, those suck, people want to read about sex, not holding hands in the park…A quick poem to share how miserable I feel at this moment? – Nah, they suck, too, can’t seem to balance out that whole sensual-heartbreak rhythm that grabs people’s attention.

After moping about how purposefully unproductive I wanted to be, it finally dawned on me…I haven’t asked the right question.  That one question that gets me moving again, brings a bit of cheer to my cheeks, and compels me to give this crazy dream another try.  What do I want?

A couple of months ago, I prayed Mother Theresa’s prayer.  Catholic isn’t my official denomination, but I needed something to really revive me, to get me excited about living life again.  It’s a multi-day prayer and the book tells you that something extraordinary is supposed to happen at the conclusion of the novena. Oh, boy…did it.  The personal firewall I had spent yyyeaarrrss erecting around myself suddenly disintergrated…I’m mean like…Oh my God, what the *bleep* happened?  A barren landscape of no hope on the horizon, no inspiration, no motivation, followed by a long series of bizarre…why me? what did I do wrong?…events one after another.  When it rains it pours is no expression to be taken lightly. How about drenched with no shelter in sight.

Truthfully, I’m still recovering from my sudden absence of laughter and optimism.  Even as I continue to emerge, shaking off the ash and haze as I go, I’m starting to realize that I’ve been looking at these downfalls from the wrong angle. Each time, I rise much stronger and more insightful than I once was.  My personal tragedies and triumphs drive my storytelling to its peak…Every story that has zapped a reaction out of a reader has been one written after I’ve come crawling out of an emotional death valley.  As odd as it sounds, when I’m immersed in my wallowing spirit, I can somehow tap into a reflecting pool of eternal truths. The flow of the story becomes genuine…a sort of pseudo-autobiography floats to the surface…bits of truth playing against dabs of fantasy, and is deeply felt by both the author, the characters, and the audience.

So, toward the conclusion of another day of tapping out my heart as an indie author, my inspirational question still needs to be answered, one more time…What do I want?  Fame? Fortune? Awards? Fans?  All of the above? None?  After a cleansing breath, the serene truth is returned to me, one more time…I want to reach across an indefinite number of miles and connect with just one person – you, Dear Reader.  If I can spark even the dimmest flicker of kinship within your thoughts and your heart, I’ve done my job and lived up to my purpose in life…Until then…one more day, one more time to start over and get it right is almost here…LL♥

I missed that mark again…

Over these past two years, I’ve spent considerable time contemplating this ‘mark’ I’m supposed to be hitting, and I keep coming up empty.  I’ve seen this word pop up a few times and it never fails to boggle my mind.  Perhaps this is the reason why artists make some of the worst critics for the creative works of their own hands.  As I sit back and allow my memory to float over various tales I have drafted — some published, many idling away on my flash drive — I come up dry every time I try to pin point this exact mark that I should be striving for.  Should I be in tune with the harmony driving the story or worried about if the characters have consummated their lusts fast enough to satisfy the roaming eyes floating across the screen?

Commercialism demands that an artist hit a specific peak to be considered successful; creativity, however, allows for growing pains and whole-hearted blunders…There’s deep meaning behind that badge of honor starving artist. After much thought — plus three websites, an abandoned tweeting account, and two blogs later — I’ve decided that I’m going to do my best never to aim for this elite mark, which dictates both the erratic pace and stifled visionary wellspring of our generational pop culture. Though I can’t say I am guiltless of trying to chase after this deceptive goal, which always seemed so far beyond my efforts, I have come to realize the soul-pinching effects of my error.  I’d rather allow the burgeoning and sometimes off-beat creativity dripping from my fingertips and the shades of colorful fantasy swimming through my mind guide my romantic tales than to willingly destroy the true author budding inside of me in vain pursuit of that ever-ellusive…mark.

Love Me. Hate Me.

What motivates my pen is simply wanting to be understood and accepted for who I truly am and not by what everyone casually observes on the outside.  Although self-publishing was not my first hope (excuse the twinkle in my eyes), years later, I am at peace with realizing it was the best path to take.  I have learned to enjoy the rewards of journeying on the fringes of obscurity.  The deadlines I set are under my own intense scrutiny and the limits of what I can create are determined only by the boundaries of my vivid imagination.  I am free to roam about my colorful universe as often as I please or not at all.  I am free to flourish or fail as an author without the beam of a microscope constantly aimed at me.  I am also free to wander the thin, shaky line between living as a person and confessing my dreams as a nameless poet, between being a woman and weeping out my fears as an unknown writer.

I love the hours I spend contemplating the perfect kiss.  I hate that I am absent of the power to push every emotion flawlessly across the page.

I love sharing the pure desire swimming in my heart.  I hate knowing that blank eyes are scouring the lines of my precious words simply for the joy of pointing out typos.

I love pouring out a love story not defined by race or color.  I hate that because this is all the world sees, most of these tales will become lost to the wind.

I love being lenise lee.  I hate that I am the only one who sees her true potential.