Lost in dreams,
I dare not, awaken
lest I forgot, the memory,
of true life, lived
My third eye opens to a fourth, dimensions unfold and expand
I must not allow, these things
to infiltrate, my heart
disrupt, my mind
distract, the movement, of my spirit
All things pass, expect, those which are
Right and true.
I choose now
which I stand, in the midst of
I am, trying, to be, poetic. Which only, makes this, harder. To let time, slip by. But, it never does, really. Instead, now, more than ever, I am, wandering, away, with my thoughts. Circling. For there are, no more, corners to turn, nor, places to be, and, be unseen. We are, all where we are, and, nothing more. Somehow, is this, a herding, ultimate dulling, of the masses, of the mind, of the will. For when, we willingly, become prisoners, no escape, is possible, and, no bars, necessary. What, oh, what, are we, truly, becoming.
I want to, Create
and by creating, Live
and by living, Become
and by becoming, Find You
by finding you,
I, Find Myself
Q. Lenise Lee
balance and energy.
the call of the universe,
pulling us to greater heights.
the spirit of the universe,
pursuing us into our wildest dreams.
Q. Lenise Lee
As we learn
in between moments,
moving as one
with the Universe,
establishing the course,
Q. Lenise Lee
I believe in the ether
and the void
and the light
and in everything in between
I have the day in my head
and in my hands
caught up in my heart
and in my spirit
I believe in rest
and in motion
I believe in small, carefully planned steps
I believe in giant, careless leaps
I believe in the impossible
I believe in the infinity
of this moment
I was made to create
One in All, All in One
Q. Lenise Lee
Queen of Heaven
Lady of Light
Goddess of the All
Arise and Ascend, your throne
My words are
the beat of my heart
the movement of my spirit
the stirring of my soul
without them, I am in silence
within them, I am set free
~Q. Lenise Lee
Enthralled in rapture. Yet remain quietly serene.
Wanting to chase the rush of pure energy. Yet sitting perfectly still.
The universe conducting a symphony before me, expounding on the dissertation of the secrets of the universe. Yet I calmly sip my coffee, distracted, while tapping a random beat against the curve of the mug.
All that is offered, infinity upon infinity. Yet my eyes are watching numbers across a fading screen.Q. Lenise LEe
I walk thru the center of Creation
At the heart of Existence
And I live.
And I breathe.
(I breathe deeply).
And I am.
The spirit of the Universe surrounds me
I am Loved.
I am Love.
All, and the All in All, is revealed.
I dwell within.
~Q. Lenise Lee
I create, the energy I seek.
If I am bold, the mountains tremble
If I am wise, the rivers pause
If I am true, my Whole Self lives
Breath returns, to my being
I am free, I am flowing
I am alive, I am glowing
the pulse, of Eternity
is reborn, within me.
Q. Lenise Lee
I sit and talk with The Universe every morning, yet the Grand Revelation remains elusive
I ramble on, words running from my mouth like overflowing buckets of wash water
Thoughts and plans, of grand adventures I have yet to pursue, of goals I have yet to complete
One after another, no ending near. A sentence with no stop or pause, for breath or insight
Then, this morning, I realized, to my shock and offense, it was only my words I heard bouncing back, echoing against the vastness of the open sky
The Universe sat there, silently, politely nodding, as one does to a child, that just won’t lay down for a nap, continues running on and on, with exhausting narration, in her mind, about all the things done before the nap, and all of things to be done after the nap, whilst conveniencelly escaping the act of the actual nap itself
My lips sealed, then poked. I became unloved, uncared for, unwanted, all in one rush of bottomless emotion
It was in that new silence, I discovered, truth.
In a wave of sound, first gentle, then immaculate, a crescendo, I heard The Universe speaking. The conversation continued on. It was never a tired monologue, but always a deep dialogue.
In the chirp of the bird, the whistle of the wind, the rustle of the brush, the chitter of squirrel, the roll of the river against the shore. There, I heard The Universe, its language plain and clear. Every answer to every question. Yet I had made my voice so loud that, until this very moment, I could not hear.
Q. Lenise Lee, 39744
If time is the distraction, then the moment is not the joy.Q. Lenise Lee
When realized their loss, reaching tendrils, in close pursuit, on all sides, fear, screams, drowned out, the voice, of One calling, for some, caught, clawing, dragged, consumed, again, forever scattered, always lost, chained, the never ending loop, of nothingness
We all, the remainder, in flight, toward destination, close not known, toward, the Voice, still calling, still imploring, come, further, just a while longer
Then moments, that never existed, ceased to be, all that was and is, frozen, one single unit, a foreign thing, first rumbling, then clashing, then clanging, then breaking, the dark bond, we were sealed with
A pop, a crackle, a snap, a flash, What is this? First Light, it is, we knew, at once, broke yonder, hither, within, without, all around
Now free, now flowing, caught up, electrical static, infinite movement, All Eternity, we, no longer fleeing, found
As cosmos unfolded, we, I, pressed forward, exploring, unbound.
Come, listen now, to my tale, of how we escaped, the Void, how we fled, the dark
When swept aimlessly along, infinitely blank current, came, the Voice, foreign yet Familiar
Come, now, follow, the way is short, yet long is the travel
Conflict, war, rebellion waged, Shall we stay? Shall we go? No here, no there, how shall we know, which way, be truth?
When overlords wrestled, amongst themselves, how, to keep us chained, to unending confusion, to sweeping emptiness, without, within, we scattered
Some here, some there, we fled, in no direction, in every direction, for they were one, same, within, the Void, the endless
All things are possible for those who have the will to keep goingQ. Lenise Lee
Embers of sunlight spark and tumble forward over the horizon, flooding the land with waves of hope and wonder
Whispering sweet sonnets of wisdom to all who have come, to worship the arrival of the Bright One
The Secret Language is unveiledQ. Lenise Lee
~from Keys to Awareness
Awaken and be nourished, by the morningQ. Lenise Lee
The sky opened and spoke.
Goddess. You are Reborn this day.
With all of your Infinite Light flowing.
One Truth. With many Infinite possibilities.
~ Q. Lenise Lee
Keep Rising. Moving. Becoming. No matter the obstacle. In spite of every challenge. Rise + Smile + SucceedQ. Lenise Lee
The greatest secret that I’ve learned is that happiness is born within. It is a wonderful, energizing, real place that only I can summon from inside of myself. After having the opportunity to experience so many elements that are supposed to bring happiness into my life, I have come to the profound knowledge that there is no source external to the self that will ever bring true and sustainable motivation, peace, evolution or ascension. These are all gifts of the spirit. Acknowledging them, receiving them, carrying them forward every into moment of existence. Living in my light.
I needed to experience
Wandering among stars,
tiny diamond, in the night
Still there, ever hunting
the call of the wild sounds
There is no answer back
Toward light, instead
wander after the dusk.
scatter from the dawn.
Quick breath, lost thought, frenzied mind, untamed spirit
No longer willing
to fallen, sullen abandon
Hair out. Wild. Free.
Antenna up. Open, angled,
toward the cosmos
Today. I let go.
Surrender to the ether.
Sound of rain. Roll of thunder. Beam of Sun. Shimmer of moon.
Finding Glory is not an easy task.
In truth, it is not a task in the strict sense of the word.
It is a journey, more like an experience,
overflowing with journeys within journeys.
I think a blessed soul, who is truly free, will have the opportunity
to experience many diverse lives and lifestyles
all at once.
They are within a flux of constant and grand evolution.
They are always experiencing the weight, the wonder, the phenomenon, the illumination
The Glow will be undeniable.
The Energy they attract immeasurable.
They will experience as much of Glory as can be understood and internalized within the limits of the fold of the experience we know as
The greatest of these travelers will realize this truth,
Others over the course of an exciting, interesting, and unusual lifespan,
and will come to embrace this gift and this majesty.
Many are called, few are chosen.
And with that, I realize
Fear and the fear of myself,
My grand potential and purpose within Glory,
are my greatest mountains, my most formidable foes, my most intense struggles.
The solution is simple.
I must show no Fear.
I must only live in Light, Truth, Love.
These are the offspring of Glory, and
The promise that I keep, the secret that I guard, constantly
Q. Lenise Lee (forever rose, fleur-de-lis)
Because creation is within me, and I am part of creation.
My spirit is lifted with the sun, and calmed with the cresting of the moon.
I am. Part of movement of essence that binds all life as one, pulsing being.
I rise early, so that I may set my thoughts on course.
Heal. Mend. Sow. Illumunate.
What is to come.
I do not rise alone.
I am. With the one, the all, the source that ebbs and flows within, without, over, under, through.
I rise early, to feel the power moving my breath with purpose.
Peace. Love. Laughter.
To accept, to bond, to share.
I rise early to set paths of vibrant currents, ever forward, ever onward. Homeward, bound.
Copyright 2018, Lenise Lee Pbn.
I woke up before dawn today. Not unusual. My sleep cycle is extremely short.
But today I was active.
Pulling my Spirit, body, mind, Consciousness and Awareness into one fluid and balanced state.
I think exercise is more than just physical, it’s an entirely whole experience.
Building on that same energy throughout the day.
Sharing it when I can, but not depleting my own reserve of wholeness and purpose.
Be a beacon.
Journal July 2 2018.
I will think of him no more
As a passing thought
A fading memory
Of what once was
What was never to be
So..I’m not really sure what this blog is about anymore, which — in a very fitting way — makes absolute sense, because I’m not sure what my life is about anymore. My grandma died last year just before Thanksgiving and I’ve been feeling a bit lost since then. She was my heart and my best friend and the only person who I ever felt really accepted me just as I am — weirdness and all! Needless to say, the holidays don’t mean as much to me as they once did. The spirit and joy of these special times when families and friends gather for hugs and kisses seem to feel a bit dim and foreign to me now..
I have one other person in my life who — not that she can ever be replaced — comes as close as possible to holding the same position of importance in my life. He’s my dearest friend and my biggest support system, and I honestly don’t know what I would do without him. But, like everyone else, he has his own problems and issues and self-discovery moments to deal with, so I know that I can’t rely on his ears and hugs 24/7.
Writing and pictures have always been the only way that I can find myself, calm myself, pull myself back together before my mind floats off into oblivion. At times, I battle with depression and self-loathing, not because my life is so terrible but because I sometimes have no idea whose life I’m living. The more I think about it, the more I realize this is and has always been the problem — I have no idea who I really am or who I really want to be. I live in a mold of who everyone thinks that I am and who they’re sure I should be..and I humbly and obediently accepted these roles as best I could, when all the time I was crying inside from frustration and confusion because none of it fit the real me..
For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t write anything..just flashes of words and images..Now I finally understand that it’s because I feel fractured inside, torn between all of these imaginary fragments of the person I was trying to pretend to be for whoever I was with at the moment. In truth, I’m plain and simple. I’d rather spend time talking with one good friend than pretend to be enjoying fifty different conversations in a bar packed with people. The fashion police probably won’t ever pull me over, but I’m definitely not a fashionista and never will be..the list goes on and on..
I’m just me, a mixed bag of emotions and thoughts that flow outward and inward from one moment to the next. Awkward and odd. Daring and humble. Polite and pondering. Quiet and bold. Ready to break free and really live and breathe and feel, to touch forever and feel forever returning my eager embrace..
So, I dream on..here and wherever I can catch a glimpse of myself shining bright..
Again, if you actually follow this blog, pardon my random bursts of words and pictures, my shifting themes and methods..or the seemingly disconnection from one post to the next..with me everything connects along the way..keys on a ring trying to open an infinite number of doors..until I find the one I should step through.
This small, tucked away blog..like me..is a work continually in progress..iamlenise..
It is my hope that ‘The Interviews’ will help to explain what is about to come next. Look away now, because the tale that has been twisting within my chest is not filled with bright blue skies and sweet dreams of colorful kisses. Even so, it is a story that I wish to tell. Perhaps then..maybe, only then?..will I be able to walk past this mire I find myself wandering through. I think I have shaken off the idea of moving the text of this serial dark romance to another blog. The purpose of this online writing journal is to discover who I am and to be at peace with all of the pieces that compose me, both light and dark. Along for the ride? Wonderful! If not..hugs and best wishes. Either way, it’s time for me to take this walk.
Interviewer: (Smiles to himself.)
Interviewer: I get in now.
Me: (A mischievous grin lifts my cheeks, and I glance away.)
Interviewer: Oh…don’t play the shy roll now.
Me: But I’m so good at it. (My response is purposefully coy.)
Interviewer: So, am I the clown?
Me: (A full grin now dons my face.) I have no idea what you mean.
Interviewer: (Laughs a little then squints his eyes. He’s trying to search my thoughts. Finding nothing to grab onto, he pushes his impromptu interview forward.) Alright, you win…for now.
Me: I graciously accept your surrender, sir.
Interviewer: Back to the question I’ve been dying to ask…Why the change of tone? Why so dark now?
Me: That’s exactly the key.
Interviewer: How so? Which part?
Me: Questions. (My eyes sweep across the bustling café scene.) Some people see the world in pictures, some in prose, other in rhythms, or even dollars or Euros. But, all I see are questions. And now, I want answers.
Interviewer: Does this mean no more fairy tale endings?
Me: (Smirks.) That’s not what I said. I want to find out what really makes the human heart beat. Why do sad love songs stir up old, long-forgotten emotions? Why don’t we really love the person we’re with until they tell us that this is the last good-bye? Why is it that when I hurt so badly, immediately afterward, I feel so much more alive than ever before?
Interviewer: (Silence. I can read his thoughts, and his eyes reflect him reliving these exact defining moments I have just described.)
Me: I want to deconstruct romance. Break it into fragments that I can understand…feel…accept as real, not just whimsical, wishful fantasy. When I pull it all back together, I want the picture finally to make sense.
Interviewer: (More silence.)
Me: (Sips more of the liquid salve from the cup I am clutching. This isn’t the first time my random thoughts and theories have left someone bewildered and speechless.)
Interviewer: Superman or Batman?
Me: How do you mean?
Interviewer: As a love interest. You know…you’re favorite hero…
Me: Oh, I see. (Sips from an over-sized coffee cup.) Hm…neither.
Interviewer: Really? You don’t fancy either? That’s a shock. Most women would love to be Lois for a day.
Me: (Smirks slightly.) I’m not most women. Besides…Isn’t she always on someone’s hit list because of her boyfriend?
Interviewer: (Shifts slightly in his cushioned no-name coffee-shop chair.) True. (Looks down at his notepad then taps a few keystrokes before returning eye contact.) So…I’m still curious, why wouldn’t you pick either of them?
Me: (Rolls eyes.) They’re both terrible boring.
Interviewer: How so? (Stops typing and presses his palm against his face.)
Me: Well. (Turns head to watch a couple walk past the store window. Neither is speaking to the other. Both are frantically thumb-typing onto dark rectangular boxes gripped between steady palms.) Superman has his righteousness, and Batman has his vengeance.
Me: And that’s it. There’s nothing else going on in their lives. Their paths are already set. Neither of them really needs a woman by his side.
Interviewer: (Leans slightly to the left to catch my attention once more.) I don’t get it. Please explain a little more of your theory.
Me: A hero is exactly that. (Takes another huge gulp of cream-only caramel-mocha coffee.) There is no room for change. He or she has a job that requires their complete and utter focus all day, every day. Self-discovery is only for the purpose of becoming a better hero, not a better person. Love becomes an inconvenience that they must bear in order to appear normal to the masses.
Interviewer: (Raises both eyebrows slightly.) Am I speaking with the right person? (A scoff hovers in his voice.) Is this the same Lenise Lee who once thrived on drafting dime-store-rated romance novellas? Who once wrote that she is (uses crooked-fingers to mimic quoting.) ‘in love with being in love’?
Me: (Unblinking.) One and the same.
Interviewer: So what has changed?
Me: Everything. (Glances at the table across from us. The couple from outside are now seated there, and their thumbs are still hammering away. Five minutes have passed and neither has uttered anything more than an order to the waitress.)
Interviewer: (Touches the outside of my hands and presses them firmly against the cup I am holding.) Don’t leave me hanging. (His voice does a great impression of sounding sincere.) Tell me what happened to cause this huge one-eighty.
Me: (My gut reaction is to jerk away, but I hold steady. I’ve seen this look on men’s faces before. It’s my eyes. Dark and mysterious. Men seem to be drawn in like moths to a flame, which is why I never hold eye contact for too long. This time I let my guard down and here is the result. I smile a friendly, non-committal grin then casually move my hands away and fold them under my chin.) Well, if you really want to know…I went in search of a knight in shining armor and all I ever found were harlequins.
Interviewer: (He blinks his eyes and then shifts back in his chair. The spell is broken. It’s as clear as a blue sky that he’s never heard of that word before, and I do nothing to help explain the term.) Hm. Okay. (Soon, he’s typing again, and I know that he’s trying to Google that term. The conversation comes to an abrupt end, and I go back to people watching.)
If you have no idea what I’m about to do, just watch and wait..then you’ll see time spin to a stop right before your eyes..and you’ll forget that world you once knew
Tell me how to forget.
Tell me how to let go.
To make this go away.
Ease this burden.
Please tell me how to release this breath,
I have been holding deep within
For so long.
Frozen in time,
Deprived of air.
Tell me how much I need
To drown myself
Before I can finally be free
Of this puzzling memory.
Just this once…
Step out of my thoughts,
Fill this voided space
In the caverns of my heart —
go or stay
stand or run
dream forever or be irrevocably awake
see all in one surreal, aching flash or shut out everything
cast a shadow or illuminate every creeping crevice
follow the path of the sun or become enchanted by the lullaby of the moon
keep quiet or shout, until the words echo back
ringing my ears
tossing off the cloak of despair
healing the blind eye
cleansing the marred heart
awakening the senses
sharpening the mind
preparing the soul
taking the breath
freeing the body
releasing the full force of destiny
Have I imagined all this, or
Have I just opened the door to reality
I know what I want to do
So why don’t I ever have the strength to do it
I feel the surge of infinite nature
The essence of a thousand glimmering suns
Racing through my veins
Yet the echo announces
Calm the storm
Lower the candle flame
The night is darker than it seems
Hide yourself behind me
Cloak yourself in the countenance of my wings
Shield yourself beneath my thoughts
Not because I despise your light
Because I want to protect it
Make it untouchable
From the reach of probing fingers
Which seek to extinguish it for always…
thinking about the future. hoping to forget the past. struggling through the now.
no matter what. my heart beats strong. my spirit pulses free. my mind journeys beyond the moment.
a runner. waiting for the perfect race. counting down the seconds. taking the pose. head bowed. knees arched. fingers pressed into the earth.
the world crawls to an aching stillness.
all of creation fixes into perfect silence.
the pop hits the air
stay the course
pound the dirt until every limb burns
there is no other choice
i can’t stop
until i touch the void
step across the finish
bring down the boundaries
break the binds
see the eternal light