So..I’m not really sure what this blog is about anymore, which — in a very fitting way — makes absolute sense, because I’m not sure what my life is about anymore. My grandma died last year just before Thanksgiving and I’ve been feeling a bit lost since then. She was my heart and my best friend and the only person who I ever felt really accepted me just as I am — weirdness and all! Needless to say, the holidays don’t mean as much to me as they once did. The spirit and joy of these special times when families and friends gather for hugs and kisses seem to feel a bit dim and foreign to me now..
I have one other person in my life who — not that she can ever be replaced — comes as close as possible to holding the same position of importance in my life. He’s my dearest friend and my biggest support system, and I honestly don’t know what I would do without him. But, like everyone else, he has his own problems and issues and self-discovery moments to deal with, so I know that I can’t rely on his ears and hugs 24/7.
Writing and pictures have always been the only way that I can find myself, calm myself, pull myself back together before my mind floats off into oblivion. At times, I battle with depression and self-loathing, not because my life is so terrible but because I sometimes have no idea whose life I’m living. The more I think about it, the more I realize this is and has always been the problem — I have no idea who I really am or who I really want to be. I live in a mold of who everyone thinks that I am and who they’re sure I should be..and I humbly and obediently accepted these roles as best I could, when all the time I was crying inside from frustration and confusion because none of it fit the real me..
For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t write anything..just flashes of words and images..Now I finally understand that it’s because I feel fractured inside, torn between all of these imaginary fragments of the person I was trying to pretend to be for whoever I was with at the moment. In truth, I’m plain and simple. I’d rather spend time talking with one good friend than pretend to be enjoying fifty different conversations in a bar packed with people. The fashion police probably won’t ever pull me over, but I’m definitely not a fashionista and never will be..the list goes on and on..
I’m just me, a mixed bag of emotions and thoughts that flow outward and inward from one moment to the next. Awkward and odd. Daring and humble. Polite and pondering. Quiet and bold. Ready to break free and really live and breathe and feel, to touch forever and feel forever returning my eager embrace..
So, I dream on..here and wherever I can catch a glimpse of myself shining bright..
Again, if you actually follow this blog, pardon my random bursts of words and pictures, my shifting themes and methods..or the seemingly disconnection from one post to the next..with me everything connects along the way..keys on a ring trying to open an infinite number of doors..until I find the one I should step through.
This small, tucked away blog..like me..is a work continually in progress..iamlenise..